I’ve begun having nightmares about the backs of my thighs. They wobble. They pucker. They pool in bucket seats, overspill the edges of wooden stools and squish through the mesh of my Mirra chair.

They’re not large, not compared to transatlantic jets or sperm whales, but the fat content outweighs the muscle and bone content by about two-to-one, and that’s not good.

Even before the nightmares I’d already been playing around with the idea of dieting, or rather, eating better. Hell, I’m going to Spain in a month for a wedding. When I’m there I’ll see people who last laid eyes on me when I was 25 and in the best shape of my life. Dieting isn’t an option, it’s a necessity.

But it’s not one of my strengths, self-control. I’ve had success with, and actually enjoy, the Atkins approach; fewer carbs, lose weight fast. But I’ve done it so often it’s boring. So a week ago I bought French Women Don’t Get Fat by Mireille Guillano, which sounded like a diet I could enjoy. For one thing, we share the same attitude towards dieting. It’s far more successful if it’s not considered a diet. Think of it as living life well, as opposed to punishing yourself, and you’re more likely to continue the modified food intake. It is not a diet. It is a philosophy of life. Check.

So, I bought it. I read it. I buy into it. And the first step?

Leek soup.

Let me give you the short (and, coincidentally, the long) version of this recipe: Put leeks in pot. Add water. Boil. Simmer. Cool. Drain (reserve liquid). Drink.

Annnnnnd that’s it. You make this “soup” (c’mon, it’s leek water! LEEK WATER!) and ingest nothing else for two days. Just leek water every few hours and if you’re really jonesing for the hard stuff, you get half a cup of mushy leeks with some olive oil and lemon juice to tide you over.

I’m going to go for it—I have the leeks. I start tomorrow.

But here’s the question, the reason I turned to the world wide interweb just now for some fancy Google footwork: Why the hell can’t you season this soup?

Would a little thyme really kill the diet? Pepper? I get that salt’s going to do that water-retention thing you’re trying to avoid by drinking a whole mess of leek juice, but surely plain tarragon would zip right through.

I could not find the answer, so I’m going to experiment and see what I can learn on my own. I will begin with plain leek juice, then add herbs and spices on subsequent trips back to the leeky well. I’ll let you know how it goes.

But first I’m going to go scarf an avocado. With salt. And a chocolate chaser.